Consuelo and her best behavior

Lately Consuelo hasn't acted up or randomly thrown a bitch fit. Today to verify the behavior and to keep it this way, we bought her flowers. She beamed. It looks like she can't make us pack our bags anymore, who knew this lady had a soft spot? Currently since there isn't anything to talk about with her: I'll talk about Jean Jacket Joe at the beach. The first day to the beach we spotted a true champion in 80 degree weather. Suited up for god knows what in his full jean outfit. He came to the group giving high fives and welcoming us, it was about 30 seconds in that we realized we were doomed. This guy wasn't going to leave without kisses to the cheek. Every girl in the group got one, I got a big, nasty slobber to my left side. Don't think I didn't come home and wash it immediately. I forgot to mention, his plaque infested teeth were bright yellow and really made me want to run to the polluted river to add to it by vomming everywhere. Ever since that day, we've seen him at the beach chasing around girls like the little mouse he is.

Ho Down Throw Down-the biggest fight yet

Bridget borrowed my sports bra and being the wonderful friend she is, she went to use the washer and wash my dress and sports bra. We thought Consuelo was out for the night considering she left at like 11 at night and she's 80, we figured she was staying at her son's house again. God were we ever wrong, we heard that key turn at least 3 times and we all shrieked. In Spain their a little testy with water use so this was a big mistake that we tried to play off with saying sorry. I know in her crazy head she's thinking "stupid Americans". She immediately heard the washer and came in the room with that fire in her eye. You know the one your grandma gets when you actually do something bad? Spanking worthy? This was it. I'm still waiting to be spanked. I don't understand a thing out of this crazy mo fo's mouth but I knew we were in trouble. The first reaming took place in our bedroom. She walked out and then called for her pet, Maggie. Maggie ran into the kitchen, since she's the only one who speaks spanish and knows what's going on. We felt pretty bad within 2 minutes that we went to go bail her out. There was no bailing going on. The 4 of us were trapped with the monster in the kitchen. We were told that we couldn't touch a single thing in the house, her home is not ours, so Bridget got really pissed off, grabbed money to pay for the wasted water and slammed down two euros on the counter. Turning point: Consuelo pissed off even more. Bridget then tried to grab her diet coke out of her fridge but Consuelo would not budge. I thought she was going to slam her arm in the fridge but thank goodness that didn't happen. How would Bridget facebook without that arm? Or write 65 emails to Matt every day? I'll answer that, she wouldn't. By this point I couldn't stop laughing and my face got even more red than it is from being sunburnt. I ran to the room and Ali followed, then Bridget. Maggie was left again with the devil. After about 4 minutes Maggie came back chased by the big "C" and we began to secretly video tape it. Puta in spanish means bitch, for some reason in the yelling of round 4, we heard "puta at least 15 times. It's on bitch. Unfortunately, after Consuelo left the room Bridget was trying to explain that she called us/her that so it sounded like we were talking smack about her, which we were but we assume she doesn't know what we say. Round 5- She told us if we tell the university we will be packing our bags. It's safe to say that was a threat. I'm going to assume we're not on speaking terms, not that her and I ever were. Maybe this pissed her off so bad that she wont cook us food anymore. That would be a straight up blessing.

If you don't hear from any of us, we were murdered in our sleep by her either by a knife or strangled. She looks like one of those who wouldn't make us suffer. You can find me in the forbidden closet, I'm sure that's where I'd be hidden. The rest of the girls...garbage bags in the polluted river.

Consuelo freaks out and Bridget loses her cool

There are no words for the way Consuelo freaked out, I'm not sure we even understand why it happened. We were being ever so quiet and emailing/facebooking before dinner and all of a sudden she came in and tried to tell us to come eat dinner (we think?) The best part was the only one who can understand her and speak spanish is Maggie. Maggie was sick and asleep in bed, Ali Bridget and I just looked at her when she came in because we didn't have a clue what was going on. She repeatedly reamed us out for 5 minutes until Bridget couldn't take it anymore and started flipping out (in english). My favorite part of the entire freak out confusion was Bridget within 2 minutes, "fuck this, i don't give a shit about you. you're being a bitch and I don't even know what you're saying." Bridget proceeded to not speak the entire night to her, this followed into this morning. We woke up at one in the afternoon and Consuelo walks into the kitchen dressed all nicely and made us all feel grosser than ever. We are now going to the beach, I hope the guy who made out with my cheek is there so I can look at his disgusting plaque infested teeth.

Consuelo leaves for the night

This afternoon Consuelo made us lunch, the noodles were decent but she made some breadded sardines, every single one of us almost vommed. We hid the sardines in a napkin so it looked like we ate tons today, and later disposed them into a trash can outside of the house. She was so happy with our eating habits and behavior that she couldn't get a smile off of her face for about 7 minutes. That's impressive. We cheered "SUELO, SUELO,SUELO" at her for "finally" cooking food we liked. She threw her hands up in the air like the fool that she is. I forgot to mention, last night Ali was very angry with her and ignored her the entire time. This lady is a gomer. She decided to let us know 30 minutes ago that she's staying at her son's house and wont be returning tonight. On a Friday? You would think after 80 years of life you'd use your noggin and realize what we're about to do. She told us we can have people to drink but noone can stay. Tonight, I am eating my hidden cereal with milk...in the kitchen. I'm not even scared.

Side note to my mother: make sure when I return there is over 2 gallons of milk in the fridge. This goat shit is really starting to grind my gears.

The day Consuelo doesn't do anything funny

Consuelo made us lunch and had a few funny lines on me. She was pretty upset that we didn't eat much (probably because we went to get food at a chipotle wanna-be place before we came home) and took our plates in a hostile manner...again. the girls told her we weren't hungry and the bizzo singles me out with "andrita is never hungry." first of all, don't call me that, secondly, i'm not hungry because i have food hidden in my room and i would rather eat that than anything that comes from her. i'd say the highlight of my lunch was turning around to the old photo on her wall of her son who looks like brock. i couldn't stop laughing...again. After we got back from the beach Consuelo ditched us. The woman hasn't left since we got here and suddenly mustered up the nerve to leave us. i forgot to mention, consuelo's pet, maggie ate more food than any of us and got a kiss from her with a lipstick stain to the forehead. the girls are asleep. consuelo just returned, i gotta fake some sleep. until next time.....

Day 6- Hiding food y Consuelo lets 'er rip

First of all, we had to lie to the big C about what we did today so she wouldn't make us food. We told her we had to go to the museum with our group(true, the group did go to the museum after chinese food) but instead we went to the beach. I should probably mention it was a nude beach. Usually I'd be super immature but I'd say I handled myself ever so nicely and fell asleep in the sun. Before we left Consuelo told me I couldn't go out in public without a sweater (it's about 80 degrees or more)....so maggie lied for me since I didn't have a clue what was going on. We got back from the beach and dinner was made: who ever thought you could f up soup so much? Raw chicken and eggs with some white stuff( we were too scared to ask) ...Bridget loaded up the butter container and hid it in the closet. Consuelo already thinks i'm anorexic so I just told her I didn't like it. Ali did the same. She was very upset and grabbed out bowls with some force. I think my first meal at home will be filled with many,many tears of joy. Chipotle is always on my mind, including in my dreams. Fun fact: Consuelo has gas problems and anytime she leaves the room we're blessed with the fun noises.

Day 5-Consuelo gets frisky

To get everyone up to speed, mis amigas Maggie Hooley, Bridget Hooley, Ali Schadow and I are in Spain on May term studying abroad. They take one class, I take two. We're living with a host family that is only one woman, her name is Consuelo who is about 78. When we first met Consuelo we knew from the start we were going to have a very hilarious time. She made sure to kiss our cheeks at least 5 times before we even got into the taxi. If you're reading this you understand my humor and I laugh at almost everything, but this is unreal. She immediately was dragging me down the sidewalk and touching our faces saying how excited she was. Today we had lunch in the living room with her and the girls decided to convince her that I'm a famous swimsuit model in the United States. After Maggie and Bridget were forced to sing because of Ali, Consuelo decided she had to ask if we had padding in our bras. By doing so, she pulled her shirt to show her old flabby white tummy and green holy bra. Bridget swears she caught a glance of a nip but I guess the rest of us looked away too quickly.I didn't know what to do so I looked away at the tv while Ali was kicking me from under the table. I didn't realize eating each day with her would be the highlight of our days. We now see that our days are about to get a bit more spicy with Consuelo. Consuelo makes some sick nasty food but I guess it's better than half of the other families. About the second day in she told the girls that "Andrea will eat the food and like it." Consuelo likes to talk mad smack about me to the girls because she knows I don't have a clue what she's saying yet. If I did, I'd probably clock her right in the face. (I'm kidding) Brock and Eric haven't been fed yet I don't think. We sneak food from our house and bring it to them. Yesterday the girls, Matt, Drake and I went to the market to get food, of course I'd pick the food that has to be put in the fridge and she caught us. (She gets upset that we don't eat her disgusting food and apparently even more pissed that we went to get food so we don't starve.) My yogurt will probably be thrown away in a matter of minutes. It's a good thing we had a process to get yogurt to my room for after lunch. Bridget and Ali went to the kitchen, grabbed it and then Ali shoved it under the table to me, unfortunately I was wearing shorts so I couldn't bring it myself and Consuela's pet, Maggie brought it here. I'm really hoping one of these times Maggie gets in trouble from her-I thought being hung over and throwing up in the bathroom the next morning would do it...but she found it hilarious and continues to worship the ground Maggie walks on. Bridget is up on her list too. Yesterday Bridget was skyping Matt and was showing him the apartment...Consuelo has a private closet that we were supposed to know we couldnt go in. I'm sure she told us the first day but we missed the memo. Consuelo the devil caught Bridget and chased her out of the kitchen. It was probably the one of the best situations I've witnessed. She recently told us to stop trespassing. There is much more to this and a ton to come, we'll keep you posted.